Would my life be better without Alcohol?

 

I want to preface this post with you don’t need to have a problem with alcohol to choose not to drink it, not everyone is pregnant or in some kind of trouble, there isn’t always something wrong. I think that fact is greatly misconstrued in today’s society. And I think people should be more accepting when someone says, “no thank you” to being offered a drink.

I vividly remember 2 months ago, early march, I was hanging out at a fraternity with some friends and we were playing drinking games. I had my trusty water and my friend seated next to me simply said, “Hey just so you know, you are more then welcome to the beer in the fridge if you want a drink. If not, that’s cool too, we have a water fountain down the hall. I’m not drinking tonight either” I was taken aback, I hadn’t really addressed the topic in Auburn, and it was received so well. I was so grateful for my friends in Disney who didn’t stop inviting me out just because I told them I wasn’t drinking for the time being.

You guys know that feeling you get the morning after you drink one too many?

But it’s ironic, you see sometimes you don’t know how many is too many because your judgement is impaired? Alcohol is a funny drug, let me tell you.

Lets get back to that feeling for a second.

I’m not talking about the queasy discomfort in your stomach or the explosive diarrhea commonly known as the liquor shits. Not even the relentless headache, the fact that the light being turn on hurts or that rolling over in bed drains every ounce of energy and in turn you lose your whole day.

I’m referring to the anxiety and feelings of depression that I’m sure so many people can relate to. The nagging sense of “did I say anything I shouldn’t have?”, “did I do anything?”, “Do they know something and aren’t telling me?” That last one might just be my anxious brain. But if you think about it from a physiologic standpoint it makes sense, when you drink your brain releases a feel good chemical called dopamine, that is what produces that euphoric, carefree, happy feeling associated with drinking, we all know it as being “buzzed”. So naturally, when you stop drinking and your body finishes processing the toxin (aka the next morning/sleeping it off/ thank your liver!) the dopamine surge will drop. That drop is what creates these negative feelings, thus dampening your mood. There is a lot more that goes into it, and alcohol does more than just affecting your judgement and mood. I don’t want to get too in depth for this post. Personally, I hate not remembering what I did or what I said. No part of that is fun to me. I do however enjoy alcohol, the different drinks, being a little “loose” a little more “carefree” and just having fun. For as long as I can remember since I started drinking I’ve always had these 2 rule’s I followed. I told myself, “If you want to go out, you need to workout.” And “You don’t drink when feeling sad, it’s not the way to cope.” These rules for myself were because if I was going to do something knowingly bad for myself, I had to do something good for myself first. A way to keep me accountable.

For a while drinking was something you did, growing up it was at family functions, football games, commercials on tv, seemingly everywhere you looked. College towns are full of bars, with drink specials every day of the week. It wasn’t all that long ago, I was at them most every day of the week, not necessarily drinking but in attendance. It is ingrained in the culture, in society. I am not coming on here to say alcohol is bad and no one should drink it. I’m merely suggesting to question it and not to feel pressured into doing so, but if you want to- by all means, go for it. Just promise me you won’t get behind the wheel.

I read a book that was recommended to me by a friend, called Sober Curious by Ruby Warrington. The link will take you to Amazon. I’m not going to tell you the whole thing, but in one sentence, it challenges societal norms on drinking alcohol and what might happen if you decide to take a break.

There was a 7 month period starting last year starting from September 2019 after I first read the book, where I decided to take a step away from alcohol. I mean seriously cut back. I drank on maybe 6 different occasions within those 7 months, socially, I almost felt obligated to. Self imposed due to social constructs. But I was mindful about it and it was always my decision, one drink here, another there, not 6 in one sitting. And I’m okay with that, the point of the exercise was to challenge societies expectations, being mindful about why you were drinking, how you were drinking, basically to re-evaluate how you think about alcohol.

I didn’t get that part at first, I thought I had to be all in or I wasn’t doing it right, which created some anxiety of me telling myself I didn’t even have the choice, I like choices. Once I realized, it didn’t need to be a cold turkey situation I was more at ease and found more confidence with myself and my decision to cut back on alcohol.

In the beginning of this journey I remember I was hitting my 100 day mark and my family was in town. I was living and working in Disney World at the time and my family had the dining plan that included alcohol. So in order to get the most bang for our buck, I felt it was the thing to do, we had drinks with dinner and as a family we drank around the world in Epcot.

1 month after drinking with my family in Disney, I went home for a weekend to surprise my mom and I felt comfortable telling my family I didn’t want to have some celebratory wine. Understandably, this being the first time I really discussed with them what I was doing, they were immediately concerned and thought something was wrong. Sure I mentioned I hadn’t been drinking in conversation on the phone but not that it was an conscious effort. They were concerned that because I wasn’t drinking something was going on, because why else wouldn’t a 22 year old want a glass of wine at dinner?

I explained to them that I was fine I just didn’t want to drink, nothing more to it. They wanted to talk about it again, which made me smile because I was glad they cared. I told them about the book.

So fast forward to mid-March 2020, spring break & the beginning of COVID19 and Quarantine, I found that I missed having the occasional drink and not feeling like I was breaking this deal with myself. Which was confusing, I was doing so well on this journey and I felt sad, like I did something wrong because I wanted an occasional drink.

Typing this as I am hungover in bed. Reflecting on a nice night with friends where I did have a few drinks, there was the slight anxiety about did I do anything wrong or say anything I shouldn’t have. And this feeling, including the headache and upset stomach, is something I did not miss and could definitely do without.

I’m learning that moderation sounds great, but it’s actually really hard when your judgement is impaired. I don’t see myself completely stepping away from alcohol just yet. But I love the confidence this experience has given me.